I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
