If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
even my farts smell like vagina
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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