They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
