i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i will never coherently bang her
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
