Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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