the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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