we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
