my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize