yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
