i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
