Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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