we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
