Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
