Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize