i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
