He uses pillows to masturbate.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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