I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My ass is underappreciated
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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