maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
