Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
