Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
