There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
