Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Boobs are out for the taking
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
