I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
