the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
