3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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