Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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