I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
