Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
