I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
