i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
