So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
