She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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