I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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