it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
The ass gains better be worth it
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