In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
