you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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