Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
