I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
