Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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