There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize