i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
