are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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