She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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