So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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