listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
