There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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