Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
