last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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