Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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