I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
