I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
