so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
