remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize