Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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