found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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