One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
