and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize